can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
