Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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