Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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