Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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