mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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