also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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