a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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