I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
