I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Enjoy the penises
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I love you.
Bad choice
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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