I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
