the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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