i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
