sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
