do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
