I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Randomize
