btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
