Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
