okay pat passed out under dana's car
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
