I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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