I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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