I like my sex mixed with concussions.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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