I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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