Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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