And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
