Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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