He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
