I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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