Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
