when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
