He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
