don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
