I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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