just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
