All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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