There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
