Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
