The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
