Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
