Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
