Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
