does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
