Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
