I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
