the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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