he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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