I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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