Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
