She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
