My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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