'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
