So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
