whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize
